There’s a saying that goes, “when you’ve met one person with autism, then you’ve met one person with autism.” Meaning no two autistic people are alike, everyone has different challenges.

That couldn’t be anymore true for my family. All three of kids have autism, but they are all so completely different from each other. Although they have the same diagnosis, they have various things that they struggle with.

I’m trying my best to scratch the terms “high-functioning,” “severe” and “low-functioning” from my vocabulary, because those terms make it seem like the autism spectrum is linear going from most severe to least severe.

The spectrum is more like a wheel; autistics have the same characteristics, but the amount of struggles varies from each individual.

My middle child Daniel would be labeled by medical professionals as high-functioning. Daniel can talk, he can eat, and he learned how to walk before my other two children. He’s probably the most independent of the three. He has a great memory and can quote lines from movies. However, he can’t control his emotions for the life of him. He has anger problems and gets aggressive.

Yes, he can talk, but he has trouble actually communicating his needs. He doesn’t like asking for help, although he’s getting a lot better. When he has a meltdown, it takes him a long time to calm down. He has to go up into his room to cry it out for at least 30 minutes, because he can’t regulate himself. He does not want to be held or consoled, he likes to be by himself during this time.

This happens a lot with transitions. Coming home from his cousin’s house, going to bed, or leaving the playground are all triggers. It doesn’t matter if we give him a 10-minute heads-up or warn him multiple times within 30 minutes, it will be hard for him every time.

My oldest son Nicholas is completely non-verbal, but uses a speech device to communicate with us. He communicates with signs, gestures, and vocalizations as well. He is also 100% g-tube fed, he doesn’t eat anything by mouth. Nicholas has a developmental disability so he didn’t start walking independently until just after he turned 5 years old. All of his milestones were late. He’s considered low-functioning or severe.

Though Nicholas can’t talk to us verbally, his receptive language is very strong. He understands almost everything we say to him. And now that he has his device, he can now express himself better than before. He’s very empathetic and feels everything his siblings feel. When they are upset, he wants to protect them.

When Nicholas is in meltdown mode, all he needs is to be comforted and held. If we leave him be, it will get worse. He absolutely has to be soothed by us, and he is immediately better. He mostly gets upset when he can’t communicate his needs or when we don’t understand what he wants.

My youngest Grace was diagnosed as severe autism just like Nicholas. Although they have the same rare genetic mutation, feeding tubes, and facial characteristics, they are really different. It’s because if someone outside our family were taking care of her, they wouldn’t understand her wants and needs like we do.

Unlike Nicholas though, Grace is verbal and talks mostly using single words. She also signs, points, and uses gestures to communicate with us. She gets anxious when she’s demanded to do things, so we have to tell her in the form of a question. She gets most of her nutrition through her G-tube, but she also eats applesauce by mouth. Grace was a little delayed in her milestones and didn’t start walking until she was a little over 2 years old.

When Grace is upset she likes to be comforted for a few seconds, but then she wants to be put down immediately after. She also likes to be wrapped in a blanket. Grace has always been a sensory seeker and likes blankets, the feeling of grass and flowers, and running back and forth.

Autism is a big spectrum that’s not linear, but more like a wheel. Each person is unique, very different from the next person, and has their own set of struggles. My kids are very different from each other. Just because someone may blossom in one area doesn’t mean their autism is “easy” or that they don’t have struggles. They do.

I’m trying my best to stay away from words like “high” or “low functioning” or “severe.” I think it helps me better understand my children.