I usually get pretty sad around this time.

Grace’s birthday is in February and it just reminds me that she’s our youngest. She’s the baby of our family. We haven’t had anymore living children after her. Grace turned 6 years old a few weeks ago, and for the last 6 years, I’ve been sad that we haven’t had any more children.

I always thought we’d have a big family, but then when we had 3 kids with disabilities, things changed.

My thoughts and desires about this have changed over the years. At first I thought that’s just what we were supposed to do. We had 3 kids 3 years in a row, weren’t we supposed to keep going? I had mixed feelings when I wasn’t pregnant after Grace turned 2 years old. We’d joke around that I finally wasn’t expecting after three years of pregnancies. But then I would actually get anxiety thinking about giving myself and family a break. Was that allowed? It felt so weird. The thing is, is that we weren’t even trying to conceive. These thoughts just kept coming to me. To be honest, the break was actually nice.

Then my thoughts turned into questions about what God thought of us only having 3 kids. Was I fulfilling my calling by only having 3? Was I being selfish?

My questions turned to bitterness and longing. Seeing families with 4 kids stung. Not 3 or 5. But 4. Especially after we had the miscarriage. Why do they get 4 living children?

It’s taken a long time for me to get where I am today. I’ve recently found peace with our family of 5. It’s something I prayed for a lot last year. Peace. I learned that “Be Fruitful and Multiply” is more than just adding children to your family. It can mean so many other things.

I didn’t find myself sad this month. I didn’t wonder if any new children were in our future. I just celebrated Grace’s birthday with her. And I was content.

I know the grief will come and go at random times. For now, though, I’m good with where we are. I’m embracing our family of 5 while also praying for our little one in Heaven.

Our story is on purpose. I have found my peace.