I went on a women’s retreat last year with moms who absolutely adored motherhood. They talked about how they were best friends with their kids and loved being a mom.

I was jealous of these women. It made me sad that I’ve never truly enjoyed being a mom. I really want to, but it’s hard.

Most of the time I just feel like a caregiver to my kids. I mean I’m a CNA for them, so I am literally their caregiver.

I feel like most of the day is just a checklist of duties to get done. There’s always a diaper to be changed, someone to feed, someone to console, a bath that needs to happen, someone needs help with whatever.

It doesn’t leave a lot of room for fun. It only leaves me exhausted at the end of the day, and rushing my kids to bed so I can just have a tiny bit of time to myself. A little time to feel like me again.

The lack of independence is what’s hard. While they are learning and getting better, it takes a long time for things to get accomplished. To give those boxes a checkmark. Because that’s how it feels.

Not only has my mental health declined because of the difficulties of motherhood, but also because I don’t feel like their mother at all. There’s no time to be an actual mom, just a caregiver.

My expectations of what being a mom was going to be like when I was a little girl is completely different from my reality. Going to the playground is one of the hardest things. I watch kids that are the same age as mine and even younger climb walls, ropes, and ladders and swing on the monkey bars.

I watch my kids look up at them wishing they could climb, feeling defeated because they don’t have the muscle tone to accomplish something that comes so natural for other kids. I know it’ll come with time, but it still stings.

I was also a very sporty person growing up. That was the one thing I was excited about when becoming a parent. Sitting on the sidelines of my kid’s soccer games, supporting my little gymnast, cheering after my kid hits a walk-off home run. Knowing that these things may not happen breaks my heart.

I just finished an 8-week therapy program where we talked a lot about stress management and self care. The dependence on me for everything is where my stress comes from. I’m learning different strategies on how to cope in stressful situations.

The kid’s therapy helps with their independence, but I’m also teaching my them things that will hopefully help as well.

Positive self-talk is another thing the program helped me with. Trying not to get down on myself when I do lose my cool. Realizing that motherhood is hard, but I’m doing the best I can do.

I know with a lot of practice and determination, my kids can do anything they want. I know one day they’ll be able to climb the walls at the playground like the other kids.

I know there’s Miracle Leagues and Young Athletes Special Olympics that we can join. I know we’re in a hard season right now.

I love my kids more than anything. Saying it’s hard doesn’t change that. I will always love them despite our challenges.

Sometimes it’s hard to have positive self-talk, but I’m trying to remember I am worthy and valued. I am more than just someone who changes diapers.

I’m doing God’s work by loving my children and raising them to kind human beings.

I’m doing a great job.

I’m doing my best.

I am a mother.

I AM more than a caregiver.