This past winter was hard. Everything was getting to me and it hit me how much we’ve been through. I held my cool for a long time, but I think I finally processed the last 4 years. It’s been draining and exhausting. The kids had the most therapy we’ve experienced. Sometimes I feel so controlled and tied down by their therapy. It’s too much and doesn’t allow time for me to be with my kids.

For the past few weeks I’ve felt a sense of freedom. Relief from therapy. Nicholas is out of school for the summer and we’re giving him a break from a few therapies. I feel more like a mom because I can actually be with my kids. I can teach them things on my own without anyone else being there. There’s so many people coming in and out of my house every week.

It’s nice being able to work with them on things other than what we’re learning in therapy; things like life skills. I’m teaching Daniel how to look for cars in the parking lot before crossing the street. Nicholas is learning how to put on his socks and shoes and I’m teaching Grace some baby sign language. I’m really enjoying my time with them.

The break from therapy happened inadvertently, but it’s also a blessing in disguise. It was becoming too much for me. And if it was too much for me, it’s definitely too much for them. Sometimes I forget that my kids are the ones actually doing the therapy and they need breaks too. Although they do love playing with their therapists and the attention from them.

For the longest time I was in survival mode. I only had the energy to just get through the day, and even that was hard. Keeping everyone fed, bathed, and alive were my top priorities. We couldn’t go anywhere unless I had additonal help, so we just didn’t do anything. It’s not hard because we have three kids 4 years old and under. It’s hard because we have three kids with special needs. Two of them don’t walk on their own or talk. We have 3 kids in therapy, not just one. Therapy took up our entire day.

As the kids are getting older, they are becoming more independent, sleeping through the night, and better at communicating their needs. It’s easier to take them places with just Steve and I without extra help. I’ve even been a little bit tempted to take the kids somewhere by myself as the weather is getting nicer. But it’d have to be somewhere incredibly simple. I want to give them a fun life and I feel bad I haven’t been able to give that to them. We can’t go on play dates, or go to the library or the park, or go to a restaurant. It was just too hard. But it’s also hard being homebound. Suddenly I have the urge to give my kids what they deserve.

Something we have been doing recently that’s a lot easier now is going outside and playing on the grass in our community or playing in the hallway in our building. We’re doing more things on the weekend as a family and also trying to give more one-on-one time with our kids which has helped our relationship with them.

We have limited doctor appointments this summer and with the break from therapy I’m looking forward to my time with the kids. I hope we can get out more and possibly go somewhere together without extra help. It’s been great getting outside even if it’s just for a short time. For once it’s nice being physically exhausted at the end of the day instead of emotionally or mentally drained.

Welcome to Voices of Special Needs Blog Hop — a monthly gathering of posts from special needs bloggers hosted by The Sensory Spectrum and Mommy Evolution. Click on the links below to read stories from other bloggers about having a special needs kiddo — from Sensory Processing Disorder to ADHD, from Autism to Dyslexia! Want to join in on next month’s Voices of Special Needs Hop? Click here!