One of the most difficult things about having a child with special needs is knowing what to say when people say hurtful comments. I used to prepare myself with the perfect comebacks if such a situation would arise. However, when that time came, I was speechless.

One of the most unthoughtful comments that was said to me was at church. The one place we’re supposed to be feel comfortable and accepted. We had just started going to this parish so we didn’t know anyone yet.

Nicholas loves music and to look up at the lights. At the time, he was 2.5 years old and hadn’t been diagnosed with autism yet. At the end of the service during the recessional song Nicholas was happily looking up and smiling. I was holding my other son Daniel who was just over 1 year old. An older woman walked up to me and asked, “What’s wrong with him?” I was suddenly caught off guard and didn’t know what to say.

I looked over at Nicholas then back at the woman and said, “What?” She responded but I couldn’t hear entirely what she said, because the music was loud. I heard something about cerebral palsy. Then she asked me if Nicholas had that. I looked her straight in the eye and said, “No, there’s nothing wrong with him.” She said OK and walked away.

I always wonder if I said the right thing. I could have said it’s possible he has autism, but at the time I didn’t know he did. I could have gotten mad and made a scene. Maybe she knew someone with special needs and wanted to talk with someone about it. Sometimes I wish I would have used it as a teaching moment.

At the time, Daniel had to wear orthotic shoes most of the day because of his clubbed foot, but he wasn’t wearing them at church. I can’t even imagine where the conversation would have gone if he was wearing his shoes.

But that’s the thing. I shouldn’t be afraid of what other people think or the things they say to me about my children. Because I know they’re not true. The only way people are going to learn to accept others who are different from them is by talking about it. Because there’s nothing wrong with having autism. There’s nothing wrong with being different.

What I wish she would have asked is, “What’s his diagnosis?” I wish I would informed her about Nicholas’s current diagnosis which would have been developmental delay or sensory processing disorder. I wish I would have asked her more about cerebral palsy and about the person she knew who had it. I wish I would have told her how much he likes the lights and that he’s a super happy little boy.

That encounter didn’t make me stop going to church. It didn’t make me mad. That’s just not my personality. In fact, I’m meeting with the pastor of that church soon to talk about how we can bring support to parents with special needs children within the church. There’s so many families who can’t go to church together, mine included, because it’s too hard with our kids.

I hope we can start accepting people who are different than us and use language that’s more thoughtful. But I also hope we won’t be afraid to talk about our kids and their disabilities. To share and help others understand that it’s OK to be different. This world needs more love. The best way to love one another is by accepting each other’s differences.