One of the most important things I learned after my son Nicholas’s autism diagnosis is that developmental delay and Autism are two seperate things. They don’t coincide. His autism gets in the way of his development.

Nicholas has always been behind with his milestones. He didn’t sit completely on his own until he was 22 months old. He didn’t hold two objects in his hands until he was 2 years old. He’s just now starting to point at nearly 4 years old, and that’s just to scroll up and down on his tablet.

It’s hard to not compare Nicholas to other kids, especially when they’re the same age and he should be meeting the same milestones. In this day and age of social media, it’s easy to get caught up in my friend’s posts about their kids and the great things they’re accomplishing. Heck, it even happens in my own household with his younger siblings. My son Daniel is 2.5 years old and my daughter Grace is 14 months, and both are either doing the same things as Nicholas is now, or have surpassed him.

I’ve learned that Nicholas works at his own pace. No matter how hard anyone pushes him, he figures things out when he’s ready. It’s likely that’s how he’ll be for the rest of his life. I’ve learned that even when kids don’t have a delay, they still do things when they’re ready and at different times. This doesn’t make him any less. Everyone is different.

It’s possible Nicholas will always be delayed, but I try my hardest not to compare him to other kids. While it isn’t easy, I try my best to tune out certain things that don’t apply to my son. Here are the three ways I handle my son’s developmental delay.

1. I stopped paying attention to the percentile of the growth chart. Nicholas is 100% g-tube fed. He used to throw up a lot. At one point he had trouble gaining weight and was even below the chart. Even with him being a good weight and height right now, he’s still in the 15th percentile. But he’s following his own curve, which is what’s important. The growth chart isn’t like grades in school. The 15th percentile is no better than the 70th percentile. All that matters is that he’s staying on his trend.
2. I haven’t read a single parenting book. Our parenting style is a little different with Nicholas than parenting our other two neurotypical children. We have to discipline differently. Nicholas has meltdowns from being overstimulated. Sometimes he doesn’t completely understand what we’re asking of him and gets frustrated. I do read articles online that interest me and will be helpful to our family life.
3. I stopped googling milestones at certain ages. This doesn’t apply to my son. I had to stop researching and worrying about Nicholas not hitting milestones at the perfect time. He does things at his own pace when he’s ready. It was overwhelming at times and stressful helping him and seeing little to no progress. It’s better to let him take the reins.
4. Honorable Mention: This one isn’t mine but I read recently that someone stopped filling out the questionnaires for well-child visits at the doctor’s office. She felt bad for filling in the “not yet” bubble on every single line. It’s hard when your child isn’t accomplishing what everyone else is and the forms just remind you that your child isn’t where they should be. She felt a huge weight lifted from her shoulders. Sometimes the questionnaires just don’t apply.

Having a child with developmental delay can be hard. It’s best for us to take things step by step. We know Nicholas and his capabilites. We understand to be patient with him while he figures out how to live in this world.