Another baby in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. This time for different reasons. My son Daniel’s stay was a little different than my son Nicholas’s time in the NICU and more dramatic.

We knew Daniel was going to be born with some complications. At 16 weeks in the womb, through ultrasound we saw that his left foot was clubbed and he had a two-vessel cord. Most babies’ umbilical cords have three vessels: one vein and two arteries. Daniel only had one vein and one artery. When I was 37 weeks pregnant, we found that he only had one kidney. It wasn’t until he was born that we discovered the other anamolies and was quickly diagnosed with VACTERL assocation. VACTERL is a combination of medical conditions that affects multiple parts of the body.

After holding him for only 10 seconds, he was taken to the NICU for Imperforate Anus. He was born without an anus, so he had surgery for a colostomy bag. He was put on a breathing ventilator after surgery, but it was taken out after a day. We noticed his breathing was a little weird, but we didn’t think anything of it. Later that day, his lung collapsed. He was immediately put back on the breathing ventilator once more and it didn’t come out again for three weeks.

I got to hold Daniel the few days of his life, but after having the breathing ventilator put in, I didn’t get to hold him for another three weeks. I missed crucial bonding time with him. It was very hard for me to just sit there and watch other people care for him. I couldn’t help in any way. Plus, his progress was very up and down. He had surgery on his nose to widen his nostrils, because he had small airways, which is why his lung collapsed. When he was finally taken off the ventilator, he had to keep a hood over his bed to keep the moisture inside to help his nose heal.

We were at the same hospital as Nicholas’s NICU stay, so we experienced excellent care by some of the best nurses in the region. Despite having good care though, I couldn’t help but think that having yet another baby in the NICU was my fault. That something was wrong with my body or I did something wrong during my pregnancy. We were reassured many times that our situations were random. VACTERL is random and there is no known cause.

I felt like I didn’t know Daniel. I didn’t feel that mother and baby connection that most women feel after having a baby. I remember one of the doctor’s asked me, “how do you think he’s doing?” I responded, “Good? How do YOU think he’s doing?” thinking you’re the one who’s the doctor. And she said, “You’re his mother.” But I wasn’t feeling it. I felt like his doctor knew him better than his own mother. I didn’t know how he was doing because I didn’t know him at all.

It was difficult when Daniel came home after 31 days. I was taking care of someone who was unfamiliar to me. He had medical equipment that I didn’t know how to use. There was no connection between us. As much of a good experience we’ve had in the NICU with our children, it can really take away that special bond between parent and baby. I try to remember that they really are getting the best care and it’s something they need in order to survive. The NICU saved Daniel’s life and I’m so grateful for all hard-working nurses that took part in his care.

Daniel and I don’t have the greatest relationship, but it’s something I work on every day. I want a strong bond with my son, because I love him. He’s a fighter, he’s strong, he’s a warrior. He’s been through more in his short two years of life than most people will experience in a lifetime. It would be easy to say that the NICU ruined my relationship with Daniel, but at the end of the day, I’m the adult. It’s my responsibility to help shape our relationship. He’s so loving and smart and I’m so proud of the little person he’s becoming.